my boy(s)!!!

i have put a ton into my children. for those of you that know me pretty well, you know that when i dedicate my life to something, well, i really do. and when my little kiddos came along, it just felt natural to commit to them, over everything else, all the time. well, that was pretty much a good thing, except for one little thing that got left in the dust. and that was my poor husband. so i've had to do a lot of soul searching and a lot of reading and a lot of work to find some room again for my nathan, cause he deserves it. and i deserve it. and i would love to share a few things with you about that journey so far.

the first thing is that, i found some good marriage books. and those of you who know me also know that i expect a lot of myself, and i also expect a lot from other people, mostly of poor nathan, who has put up with me so well all these seven years we've been together (six of those married). so i made nathan read these books too, thinking i would find all sorts of stuff for him to work on, cause he's the one who needed to step it up, you know. well, surprisingly, i was more at fault than him for our marriage, well, struggling. i don't know anybody with a two-year-old and a newborn whose marriage doesn't struggle, i mean, when no one gets any sleep, everyone's a little grumpy, a little blamey, a little defensive, a little ugly. but i thought maybe there was something we could do, so it wouldn't be quite so negative so much of the time. so i broke out the books and found a few things. the first is realizing that i actually needed to like, oh yeah, be nice to nathan. and, oh yeah, let someone else watch my kids (or at least Vito!) once a month so we could actually talk while we ate dinner. and maybe, just maybe, even say happy things every once in awhile instead of VENT, VENT, VENT about kids, people, other people, family, more people, the house, the cars, the other people, you know.

and i finally realized why i married nathan in the first place. cause i loved him, right? well, you all know i am a logical person, and logically, i never really knew why, but now i do! i feel that i needed to marry nathan because he is the opposite of all those things i hated in myself he helps me to overcome, mostly negativity, making excuses, wanting to sleep all the time, etc. he gives me the motivation and the drive to keep going. to be the best i can be. i am not just a better person because of him, i am more of the person that i want to be. and that makes me a lot happier person, knowing that i am doing my best every day.

life is frickin hard. marriage is hard, parenting is harder. its not a fairy tale. there are fairy tale moments, but you have to work hard to make them. its a test. what will help you pass the test. who is the other half that will make you a better person, push you to be the person that you want to be? where do you want to be in five years? in ten years? in twenty years? who will work their butt off to be there with you?

nathan is my other half and even if he works too much i can relate to him and i can understand why and i will work too much right along with him. and i will play hard right along with him. and i will study and learn and get up off my butt every day because that's what makes me happy. not him, but us, together.

i've had to read a lot of books and try a lot of things to make my marriage work. i've learned that you can't change someone else, but if you change yourself, a good person will change WITH you. one last thing, all of this is so hard, but IT IS SO WORTH IT. although life is not a fairy tale, the fairy tale parts that you create are better than anything you can imagine. sorry if this is too lovey dovey. if anyone wants some suggestions of some good books, you can message me. i love me a good book! and i love me a nathan and his two little boys that are just like him!!!